Chemo Cycle 3

Chemo Cycle 3 was not any better than 2. Still just awful honestly. I'm resigned to the fact that it is just going to miserable for 5-7 days after a treatment. Then, to top it off just as my immune system plummeted, on Saturday I came down with a cold. Worst cold I've ever had. Darn chemo! I had to call in sick for 2 days.....for a stupid cold! I've never done that before. Here's a shout out to my awesome co-workers who cover for me. You guys are awesome.

Today, I'm on the rebound for sure from chemo and I think from the cold. I feel better, but I sound awful. I have a terrible cough and an awesomely raspy voice. Too bad it isn't Halloween! I'm going to try to attempt work tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

On a different note, I had one of those hit-you-right-between-the-eyes moments today. One where you know your prayers have been heard. This common cold hit me hard and in turn stole some of my "good week" between chemo treatments. I was so angry, but with no place to turn my anger, I went to my knees. I prayed for strength, for there to be some way that my immune system could recover more quickly, for my white blood cell count to rise more quickly than it has previously. You see, I need my white blood cells to fight this cold, and they are those that are most easily knocked out by the chemo. This has been my prayer since Saturday. So, today, I went in for my weekly blood draw after chemo. They do this to check my blood counts to determine if I am on track to receive another treatment the next week. Today my white blood cell count was 3.7. After my previous 2 treatments it was 2.5 and 2.3. An entire point higher today. My immune system an entire point stronger. Coincidence? No. An answer? Absolutely.

I AM SO BLESSED! And to top it off, I get loves from this cutie....even with a bald head!

Random Answers and Ramblings

So, I've been reading through the past several posts and realized that I have some things that I've left unanswered on the blog, or questions that I'd posted as a fear/thought. I thought it might be good now that I'm in the middle of things to look back and answer some of them:


Firstly, my genetic testing came back negative for both breast cancer genes! That was a huge relief. Megan (my sister) and Brielle are now at no increased risk than the general population for having breast cancer in their future. It gave me peace. It also indicates that I am now not at significantly increased risk for getting a separate cancer in my other breast. So, I decided only to do a unilateral mastectomy.


Now as for radiation. I will not have to do radiation after my chemo. Things looked great after surgery, indicating the cancer had not spread and was localized to the breast, so unless something changes radiation is not in my future.

My cancer was officially staged as 2A. Meaning my tumor was between 2-5cm and had not spread to the lymph nodes. Interestingly enough, this doesn't change my chemo treatment, just my prognosis with treatment. I often get the comment, well it was only stage 2. Yes, it was only stage 2 and my prognosis is one of a cure versus remission or prolonging life. For that I am so grateful for. However, it doesn't change the fact that my chemo treatment is just as aggressive if not more so (due to my age and the aggressiveness of my type of cancer) than someone with stage 4 cancer. I go through the same thing. Just an interesting fact.


Um, what else? Trav is handling things a day at a time AND DOING FABULOUS might I add. He is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him. He is my strength through all of this. Not only that, but he has done an amazing job at fulfilling all of his various roles of caretaker, husband, daddy, student, employee, home janitor, cook, and so much more. The kids have actually handled this quite well. It has been a blessing. They seem to miss me when I'm sick or at work, and they are a little more clingy to Mommy on my good weeks, but overall, they have done amazing. I was nervous if they would recognize me without hair, but they didn't even skip a beat. I'm sure it had to do with the fact that they watched when we did it. In fact now they will pull my hat, scarf, or wig off whenever I get home. They are amazing kiddos. I love them so much.

Overall life is good. I've gone back to work and just take a couple of days off after chemo. It has worked well. I don't mind how I look with a bald head, but I'm just not quite confident enough to flaunt it everywhere. I rarely wear anything when I am at home. In public I prefer to wear a wig, but it is a little uncomfortable as it itches. The scarves are cute and I wear them around Wellsville when we go on walks or when we sit outside. It is fun to change it up. Bald is definitely the most comfortable though. Maybe one day I'll be confident enough to flaunt it. :). I have another chemo treatment on Wednesday. This will be number 3. I'm trying to mentally gear up for it. I still hate it though. At least March has gone by pretty quick so hopefully the next 3 months will go just as fast. I'm ready to move on and be done with all of this.

Chemo #2

Meet the Red Devil--my new nemesis!

This time around was easier physically than the last. I tried several new tactics including sea bands, ginger pills, oils, and keeping up on the zofran preventatively. It worked with keeping the nausea under control. I'm still nauseated but it is tolerable. Fatigue is a given as well. The Neulasta shot kicked my butt again even with meds to help.

My hair was falling out everywhere, so we shaved it on March 15th. Thanks to everyone who shaved their heads in support.

The Boys All Shaved and Me "Before"

Cutting a Braid for my Scrapbook

And the Shaving Begins

Almost Done
The Baldies!

After the "Cry"Close Up

Emotionally this round has been trying. Partially due to my lack of hair, and partially due to reality. It isn't fun being sick, having others wait on you. This week cancer took me to a new low. It beat me up inside. I lost sight of hope for awhile. I lost the fight in me. I'm starting to find it again. Thanks for your prayers. I really do feel them.

My friend Amy, who has been through cancer, left me this on my facebook page. It reminds me where to turn and gives me hope.

"When the storms of life beat upon our homes, our hearts and our souls, may we remember and believe the Lord's promise, "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another." (D&C 93:24). May you also remember and believe that "they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)."

Chemo Treatment #1

Chemo SUCKS. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have had to endure. The details aren't pretty. I'm brutally honest. It wasn't one of my finer moments. Proceed if you care to. Otherwise skip to the last paragraph. I'm more of my positive self again there.

Day 1, March 1st: Chemo Day
It was surreal sitting in the recliner watching the "fruit punch" (also appropriately known as the Red Devil) drip into the IV that led to my port and into my body. I didn't feel any different yet. I watched several patients come in, several of which just looked at me and shook their heads. I now know why..... it hit me about 5 hours later. I was so sick. Nauseated to the point of not daring to move without the puke bucket right next to me. It was awful. Thank goodness for a night of sleep. It saved me. I know it was everyone's prayers that made that possible. THANK YOU.

Day 2:
I awoke feeling nauseated, but better. I didn't feel like I was going to puke at any moment. I got kinda ready in order to make it into the cancer center for my Neulasta shot. This shot is to help replenish my white blood cell count. Got home. Laid on the couch. So sick. My Mom and Dad came back up. Thank goodness. I needed them. Trav needed them. They'd be here all weekend. It was so nice to have my Mommy.

Day 3:
Pain. Think flu x10. Achy. I could feel every bone in my body--my shoulder blades, my ribs, my back, arms, legs, skull, EVERYTHING! It was from the shot. It was awful. Nothing helped, except for a foot rub. It took my mind off the pain for a moment. Plus I was still nauseated.

Day 4:
Still achy, still somewhat nauseated, plus now I was getting intestinal cramping. GREAT. We're starting out the other end today. YAY. This will be fun....NOT. And it wasn't. Trust me, it wasn't pretty. Mom and Dad left today. Ate some bread and apples--and actually Rumbi's. It sounded good, and shockingly sat well on my stomach. I was sooo exhausted, I could barely move. I had no strength. Today's word was exhausted. Dad and Trav gave me a blessing. It helped heal my soul.

Day 5:
Today I was disappointed. I'd heard I'd feel better by Day 5. I didn't. Not enough anyway. Still nauseated, still had a fire in my rectum, still had severe intestinal cramping, still didn't want to eat ANYTHING, but so weak that I knew I needed food, sustenance. It is awful to make yourself eat when nothing sounds good. I was also disappointed I hadn't handled chemo better. I am young. I should be able to do better than this right? Today I was disappointed and a little down.

Day 6:
Today progressively got better. I woke feeling nauseous and exhausted again, but it lessened as the day went on. I actually felt like eating something again--Subway. It was a busy day though with a trip to the plastic surgeon at Huntsman, a follow-up with my surgeon in Logan about my chemo port, and a dinner with a women's cancer support group in town. Support is therapeutic. Sleep was too.

Day 7: Today
I feel almost back to myself today. Still dealing with bowel issues and occasionally small bouts of nausea, but otherwise I feel myself.

So, 7 days to feel normal again. Then 7 days later another treatment. That was the hardest part of all of this. Knowing I had to do it again. Not just once, but 7 MORE TIMES. How am I going to do this 7 more times? I'm going to do it one treatment at a time, and hope that what everyone says is correct--that the first treatment is the hardest. I'm going to endure, cause that's all I can do. I'm going to rely on the "angels 'round about me, to bear me up" both heavenly and here on earth. My angels. You are amazing. I couldn't do this without you.

Today

Today has been a good day. We travelled down to the Hunstman Cancer Institute for my first follow-up appointment. The grade A+! The doc said things are healing as well as could be expected and I was able to get one of those pesky drains out. The other will hopefully come out next week :D. I continue to be exhausted, but actually put make-up on today--so chalk one up for feeling somewhat better.

This week is going to be my test. This week is when I have to start accepting help that isn't Trav or my Mom. Ugh, what a hit on the pride I have left. Just one more thing to learn from cancer....humility. So, I guess I might as well eat my humble pie. Thank you everyone who has helped, who is going to help, and who has sent your love in numerous ways. The food has been amazing, the flowers smell divine (my home looks like a floral shop and I LOVE it), for your comments on the blog and on facebook, the texts, the prayers, the visits, and the babysitting. I COULD NOT do this without you all. YOU are my STRENGTH!

The Wig Experience

I honestly had a blast trying on wigs. I was able to get a cute one for free from the American Cancer Society and my friend Amy brought over her adorable wig for me to wear should I want to change it up. Those were my favorites. The rest of them, well see for yourself!

Surgery: Check!

Well, it's done. I had surgery yesterday. I am for the time being cancer free. It is a good feeling. Overall, the pain hasn't been too bad. I am just EXTEMELY tired and have these very uncomfortable, in the way, drains. I have very limited feeling over my right breast, which is very weird. I am bruised and have a crazy awesome incision that is healing well so far. The doctors reported that everything went better than expected. The surgery took about 3 1/2 hours. My tumor appeared to be close to 3 cm large. As far as my surgeon could tell she was able to get cancer free margins around the tumor, but the final pathology testing will determine that for sure. They took 6 lymph nodes: 4 of which were negative for cancer, and the 2 others were sent off for more indepth pathology testing. These tumor and lymph node pathology results should be back in approximately 1 week and will determine whether I need radiation treatment or not. Here's to crossing our fingers that I don't need radiation.

I am now home and boy does it feel good. The kids did great with Grandma Janet and seemed to understand that Mommy didn't feel good. They snuggled me very gently. Oh how I love those two! My Mom is staying with me for the week to help. Oh, how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her in my life. I'm such a lucky girl. I have so much love and support from family, friends, church, and my sweet husband. With a support system like this why shouldn't I have cancer. I have been blessed.

My breast doesn't look as bad as I had expected. They were able to save my nipple (sorry if this is too explicit), but it made the emotional shock a lot easier to look down and see it there. The drains make it look bumpy and the skin is sagging a little due to not having breast tissue there. I have an expander in the breast that will slowly stretch my pec muscle to allow for the implant to be placed in several months. It is definitely smaller than my other breast at the moment, but looks much better than I had expected. The worst part right now is the drains. Boy are they a pain in the hinny!

Here's some pics from yesterday and today:

Waiting before Surgery

Dr. Neumayer prepping for my Radioactive Injection

Saying "Aaahh" for the AnesthesiologistReady to Go!

Just Made it to My Room after Surgery

The View from my Room

Earlier this Morning

Ready to Go Home

A Motto to Live By

Empowered

Today I am empowered! I finally have a fairly set in stone treatment plan. I know what to expect for at least the next 6 months....and it feels GREAT! After having the last 4 weeks be an unknown I have such relief of finally knowing what is going to happen.

First, around 11:00 this morning I received the call that my lymph node biopsy results were back and that they were NEGATIVE! Best news I've received all year (so far anyway). This meant that as far as we know the cancer hasn't spread. There is still a chance of finding positive lymph nodes in the surgery, but for now I am going to relish in the knowledge that I don't have cancer circulating around my body.

At 11:45 I met with the medical oncologist Dr. Ali Ben-Jacob here in Logan. I was actually really impressed with him. I'd heard some people say that he wasn't really warm, but I found that he was very personable and I enjoyed talking with him. He answered all of my page of questions with honesty and compassion. I look forward to working with him.

So, here is my treatment plan:

January 23rd: Meet with plastic surgery
January 30th: Surgery Day with overnight stay in hospital
Approx. 3 weeks later: Surgery to insert the chemo port
Beginning of March: Start Chemo
Hair loss expected 2 weeks after my 1st chemo treatment
Chemo every two weeks for the next 16 weeks
June: Done with Chemo!

That is what we know right now. There will be 2 more surgeries for my breast reconstruction sometime after June and radiation will depend on finding postive lymph nodes during surgery.

I love being able to make a plan and prepare for things. There is no more unknown. Here's to kicking cancer's butt! Bring it on!

Overwhelmed by LOVE.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed by reality. Today, I have been overwhelmed by LOVE.

At work today a co-worker made a comment that hit me profoundly. It was an amazing compliment. She looked at me and said, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but if I could've chosen someone to do this, it would be you. Your strength was evident even before you had to face all of this. I know you can do this." It meant the world to me to hear her opinion, that she had such faith in me.

Next, as I was finishing up some paperwork last minute before leaving work a few heads poked into my office. One of my sweet 4 year old patients and his family were there holding a cute little gift. In it was a pillow case, all girly and such (the material hand picked by my patient). His mom explained that whenever she is in the hospital the thing that helps her feel the most at home is her pillow, so they'd made me a pillow case to take along my ride. Attached was this sweet little poem:

"we hope this pillowcase we've made for you

helps on the journey you'll go through

your strength and courage will be tried

please always know we're on your side

we love you lots, wish you the best

so snuggle down and get some rest."

Next, I get home and find THREE beautiful vases of flowers. People who had thought of me and wanted to cheer me up. It worked, just so you know.

Finally, I spent the evening with a good friend. She had driven up from Kaysville simply to visit with me. We talked. It was nice, especially since Trav is gone to a scouting event tonight.

This is just today. Weeks ago I received a sweet package in the mail with a few of my friend's "favorite things" to cheer me up. That made my day. We've had countless dinners, babysitters, and an outpouring of love and support. Your comments on facebook and the blog buoy me up. You've opened my eyes. You've made me better. You've been such examples to me of service. I want to be more like all of you. I want to look for these little ways to make others lives better. I didn't before. I will now.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It is so full of love....from all of you.

Reality Now

Today hasn't been the best of days. My mind has been going over all that I found out yesterday. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and when I'm alone my emotions overcome me. This is all becoming my reality now. Previously it has been in the near future. I've been doing research and waiting on test results and now it is here....

I have a tenative surgery date scheduled. It is in 2 weeks and 5 days.

I have a MASTECTOMY in 2 weeks and 5 days.

In 2 weeks and 5 days I am losing my breast. A part of me. A part of my femininity.

Sure, I get a reconstructed breast, basically any size I choose (within reason, not that I really want much augmentation) and an implant on the opposite side for symmetry, but right now, I'm mourning the fact that it won't be "me". I won't be able to feel it. It has limited to no sensation. In some of the literature I have read it is described as an amputation--which it is--and that many will have "phantom" sensations. But it will be cancer free, and it can save my life.

Then there is facing the actual surgery. I've never had surgery before aside from getting my wisdom teeth out. I'm scared to go under the knife, scared for the pain, scared for recovery. Scared to see the scar for the first time. To see myself for the first time. It's gonna be hard.

Then flip the coin...they biopsied a lymph node. What if it comes back positive? Chemo first. I haven't mentally wrapped my mind around chemo yet. I know nearly nothing about it (in my standards). I haven't even met with a medical oncologist yet. I'd still have a surgery to place the chemo port. I know very little about that as well. I thought I had at least another 4-6 weeks to research and prepare for this and now, well it may be happening soon. Ugh!

And now what do I do....wait.

Until next Tuesday.

Until I have my biospy results back.

Double Ugh!

The Hunstman Cancer Institute

Here is my post on facebook yesterday for all the details from my visit:

Today was great, but a very long day. We spent 5 hours at the Hunstman Cancer Institute. I love my Doc--Leigh Neumayer--she is FABULOUS. Over my 5 hours I agreed to participate in 2 clinical trials, talked with genetic counseling about the possiblity of a genetic component to my cancer, had 2 breast exams, had a lymph node biopsy under ultrasound performed (the swollen one from the MRI), decided to in fact do the mastectomy, scheduled a visit with the plastic surgeon Jay Agarwal for the 23rd to discuss reconstruction, tenatively scheduled surgery for the 30th of January, and officially won the award for the most vials of blood drawn at one time for testing. What a day!So, now for the plan.

Once again I get to wait on a test result. The results from the lymph node biopsy should be back by early next week. If it is positive for cancer cells that means that the cancer is more likely to have spread or be on it's way to spreading to other parts of my body. In that case, Leigh thinks it would be better to do chemo first rather than surgery. Her rational being that because I have chosen to do a mastectomy, I would have to wait a minimum of 4 weeks before starting chemo (this is to allow for adequate healing before the chemo would start killing the cells trying to heal the tissue) and that is without any complications should they arise. Leigh feels that the time for mastectomy healing should a lymph node be positive would be too much time for the cancer to find another place in my body to "set up house" so to speak. If the biopsy comes back negative we will proceed with surgery first on the 30th and then have chemo to follow about a month later. Radiation will all depend on the presence of cancer in the lymph nodes.

We also decided to get some genetic testing done to determine if I have the BRCA 1 or 2 genes that contributed to my breast cancer. This highly affects the probability of having a separate breast cancer in my opposite breast in the future. It will also have implications for my sister and daughter. Those results should be back in 2 weeks. Long day, but good.

I had a friend leave me this quote in an email yesterday..... it shed a little bit of light:

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." --Elder Richard G. Scott

MRI

I had my MRI today. It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I only got a little anxious when I felt them start putting me into the tube and my arms rubbed against the side of it. Thank goodness for Vallium or I think I would have freaked. Overall it lasted about 30 minutes. I got a CD of all the images to take to the surgeon at the Huntsman Cancer Institute next week. I've been looking them over.... the tumor is soooo evident. It is crazy to see. I can't wait to get it out of me!

Mammogram

I had my mammogram done on the 29th. The results look FABULOUS! The only cancerous calcifications they could see were in the lump! Now onto the MRI which is scheduled for the 5th. Here's to hoping the results for that come back just as good!

The evening of the 29th I also had a non-hormonal IUD placed for birth control. IT WAS TERRIBLE! My cervix and uterus were not happy about the invasion and I had significant cramps. So bad to the point where I nearly lost the contents of my stomach. It was an awful night. Poor Trav got a little overwhelmed because of the "preview of what's to come". I feel so bad. I wish it didn't have to be this way....


Last night I had such a great opportunity to talk/email with two amazing girls who have been where I am right now. One was 26 at the time of her diagnosis and the other was 32. It was unbelieveably helpful. I am so grateful to these women who have been willing to share their experiences with me. I've learned so much.

My Support System

I am so grateful for my family, my friends, and all those who surround me with their love. On Christmas, I was reminded how lucky I am. In 1997, my uncle, aunt, and one cousin were killed in a tragic car accident. Because of this, my 2 surviving cousins were placed in the care of my aunt's brother and his wife. They were then "adopted" into our family by default. As I told Danny about my diagnosis he simply stated, "BreeAnn, you have an amazing support system here. There isn't a day go by that I don't consider myself lucky to have been adopted into this family. They are amazing and they are here for you and will support you every step of the way." As tears pooled in his eyes, the Spirit filled my being. I am truly blessed. Not only am I blessed with this amazing family both immediate and extended, but also with my husband's family, my work family, my ward family, and my dear friends. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your offers of support, for your hugs, and for being there for me. I love you all.

Baby Steps

Well, things are going along, I guess, as can be expected. Each day or every couple of days I seem to deal with something new. It is like my mind grasps different little aspects of this diagnosis to mourn or deal with at a time. Monday night and Tuesday night it was simply accepting the fact that I have cancer. Then I did okay until Wednesday night. I watched a video (below) that a friend posted on my facebook cancer update page.....one her sister did for Logan Regional. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year at the age of 31.



I guess I was ready to mourn the side effects of chemo, because as I watched that video it hit me....the pictures of her completely bald, no eyelashes, no eyebrows, NO HAIR. I listened as she described her diagnosis and her treatment. Some feelings I myself have already felt, some feelings I'm sure are yet to come. I wept again.......mourning these very stupid trivial things that mean so much to me. I never realized how much of who I am (to me at least) is my hair, how much of my self-confidence is built in how I look. For some reason I didn't realize that during chemo you even lose your eyelashes. So, now not only do I lose my hair, but I lose the ability to doll up my eyes, my winning feature, with mascara....which in my opinion I look TERRIBLE without mascara! I know you all will tell me that I still look beautiful, and I hope by the time it happens I can believe you all. So stupid these things that I cried about all night on Wednesday are, but right then (and honestly still now), they were important to me and I mourned them. I began mourning the treatment process that night. I truly became scared of chemo and it's side effects. Another hurdle, another road block, another thing that will become a stepping stone in my life, a stepping stone to a better, stronger, cancer-free me.

Thursday morning I began dealing with another lurking deamon inside me. I met with one of my managers at work. We had a good talk. I expressed my worries of being a burden to them with my here and there schedule, with my frequent doctor appointments..... he chastized me for saying such a thing, but it it's true. I work with some amazing people who would bend over backwards for me. They are a second family to me literally. I know they will overwork themselves trying to pick up my slack. I'm worried about being a burden there despite their insistence otherwise. I'm worried about them, they all have their own issues they are dealing with right now. The last thing they need is this....is me sick, unable to take my share of the load, unable to help pick up their slack. I'm afraid of being a burden at work, but I'm grateful for them.

At work on Thursday, I also received questions from many about my doctors, where I was going to to get treatment, etc. This got me to thinking. Did I want a second opinion? Should I go to SLC to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for services? Or should I check out McKay Dee?

That night I also had a good friend from PT school offer for me to talk to her husband. He is currently doing his residency in plastic surgery and performs mastectomies, lumpectomies, and breast reconstructions after such surgeries. I called Shaun and discussed all the options with him in depth. It was great to have a second opinion from someone that I trust, someone who is really up to date in all the latest research. I learned some information I had not yet learned and I confirmed much of what my surgeon has already discussed with me. I cannot thank you Erin and Shaun enough for your help and knowledge. It means the world to me. It has helped tremendously. I feel more educated because of you and better able to make these decisions I am faced with.

So, after all of this on Thursday, needless to say I hit a state of being hugely OVERWHELMED. I had so many decisions to make.....Where do I get treatment? Do I want a second opinion? Where do I get the second opinion? How long will it take to get an appointment with another surgeon/oncologist? Will it delay treatment? How many opinions is too many opinions? Do I want a mastectomy or a lumpectomy? If I choose a mastectomy, who would be the plastic surgeon to reconstruct my breast? Would I want a second opinion on that? And it went on from there. It was so much going on in my brain. I have all these things I need to decide--big decisions, life altering decisions. Then, a wise woman (aka Mom), reminded me to take things one baby step at a time. Right now all I need to worry about is surgery. How do I feel about my current choice of surgeon? Excellent, especially after talking to Shaun. Lumpectomy versus mastectomy? Still need the mammogram and MRI test results to decide this. And well, I can start looking into plastic surgeons should those be needed. As for the rest of the decisions, I still have lots of time and I will have the guidance of the spirit when the time for these decisions comes. Baby steps.

This morning, as I was playing with my babies, tears came to my eyes again. How are my babies going to handle all of this? Will they recognize their mamma without hair? Will they tolerate all the babysitters, transitions, and time away from us? Will I be able to play with them without setting off a bout of lymphadema? Will I be able to snuggle them after my surgery, or will it hurt too bad? Will I be able to snuggle them with my chemo port in? Will they feel deprived of my love as I deal with everything from sickness, to fatigue, to times of depression? Will I be a good Mom through all of this? And then there is Trav....he will have a big burden: caring for the kids, caring for me, school, testing with fire departments, not to mention all the emotional stress. Can he handle it all without breaking? Can I be enough of a support system for him? I don't know the answers to these questions. The unknown breaks my heart a little. What I do know is I have a Savior and Heavenly Father who love me. They love my family. They make up the difference in my life and they will watch over us. It will be okay.

Cancer

When I saw the words invasive and in situ ductal carcinoma on my biopsy report I was shocked, scared, and heart broken. It hit me....I have breast cancer. And then I wept.....

I'll start at the beginning. Back in September I noticed a lump in my breast when I was pumping, but I was still pumping so I just figured it was related to my milk or a small clogged milk duct. I monitored it, but it didn't change. In October I officially started weaning and the lump size still didn't change. At the beginning of December, after not pumping for over a month, the lump was still there so I called my OB office to ask if I needed to get it checked out. A visit was scheduled for a breast exam where I was told that the lump was round and moveable which was a good sign, but that they wanted to get it checked out further just to be safe. I was sent for an ultrasound. On the ultrasound they found what appeared to be a solid mass with smooth edges that measured about 2 cm x 1.5cm. The ultrasonographer told me it was likely something called a fibroadenoma that was harmless and very common after pregnancy.

I followed up with the surgeon the next week where he looked over the ultrasound report, did another breast exam including palpating my lymph nodes under my armpit, and told me that he agreed with the ultrasonographer....it was likely a fibroadenoma, but because it appeared solid so he recommended getting a biopsy just to cover our bases.

So, on Friday the 16th I had the biopsy done and the tissue samples were sent to the pathologist. I was told the results should be back in 48-72 hours. On Monday night I had a message from the surgeon stating he was sorry that he missed me as he was heading out of the office and that he would call me first thing Tuesday morning. I knew the results were back, so I hopped on My Health (which is a website Intermountain hospital has for patients to be able to access their medical records) and with Trav by my side we read the report.

Tuesday morning I talked with the doctor (who was unaware I had access to the results and was a little angry with me for looking it up...oops! He wanted to be the one to tell me I had cancer) and we scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon. We spent 1 1/2 hours with him discussing what happens next. He was amazing! He explained my treatment options and we made a basic plan.

So, the next steps are a mammogram on the 29th and an MRI shortly there after. These are to screen for additional cancer in my breasts to make sure there isn't more that we don't know about yet. The results of those tests will help us know if we should do a lumpectomy only or if I will need to have a mastectomy. Right now we think we'll just have to do the lumpectomy, but we will see. My lump appeared to be noncancerous in the beginning too, so I'm not ruling anything out quite yet. We are thinking the surgery will be sometime the first week of January. They then take the cancer and officially stage it. Right now it looks like a Stage 2 cancer, but we will know for sure after the surgery. The next step will be meeting with the oncologist. I have lots of questions for him. Then I'll start chemo. Once the chemo is done I will probably need radiation too. That is pretty much all we know right now.

I'll keep you updated as more info comes along. We have a private facebook group that will have regular updates. Let me know if you want to be invited. I am actually doing great today (the last two days have been rough though). I'm definitely shaken emotionally and there are ups and downs with the tears. I know I'm going to be okay. It is curable. That is what matters....there is still hope. It is going to be a journey and I only hope I can endure it with dignity. I'm afraid of chemo, of losing my hair, of being sick, of reproductive issues afterwards. I hate telling people and watching others be uncomfortable around me. I'm still me and right now I feel great physically--I just have this darn lump. I don't mind talking about it as long as you are okay if I tear up depending on the day. It is going to be journey.....thanks for being willing to come along with me.

Thanks to all of you! I love you so much. I feel your prayers literally--they have given me so much strength and comfort these last few days. Your support is overwhelming. I promise we will use you when we need you. The worst is yet to come, and, so is the best.