Baby Steps

Well, things are going along, I guess, as can be expected. Each day or every couple of days I seem to deal with something new. It is like my mind grasps different little aspects of this diagnosis to mourn or deal with at a time. Monday night and Tuesday night it was simply accepting the fact that I have cancer. Then I did okay until Wednesday night. I watched a video (below) that a friend posted on my facebook cancer update page.....one her sister did for Logan Regional. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year at the age of 31.



I guess I was ready to mourn the side effects of chemo, because as I watched that video it hit me....the pictures of her completely bald, no eyelashes, no eyebrows, NO HAIR. I listened as she described her diagnosis and her treatment. Some feelings I myself have already felt, some feelings I'm sure are yet to come. I wept again.......mourning these very stupid trivial things that mean so much to me. I never realized how much of who I am (to me at least) is my hair, how much of my self-confidence is built in how I look. For some reason I didn't realize that during chemo you even lose your eyelashes. So, now not only do I lose my hair, but I lose the ability to doll up my eyes, my winning feature, with mascara....which in my opinion I look TERRIBLE without mascara! I know you all will tell me that I still look beautiful, and I hope by the time it happens I can believe you all. So stupid these things that I cried about all night on Wednesday are, but right then (and honestly still now), they were important to me and I mourned them. I began mourning the treatment process that night. I truly became scared of chemo and it's side effects. Another hurdle, another road block, another thing that will become a stepping stone in my life, a stepping stone to a better, stronger, cancer-free me.

Thursday morning I began dealing with another lurking deamon inside me. I met with one of my managers at work. We had a good talk. I expressed my worries of being a burden to them with my here and there schedule, with my frequent doctor appointments..... he chastized me for saying such a thing, but it it's true. I work with some amazing people who would bend over backwards for me. They are a second family to me literally. I know they will overwork themselves trying to pick up my slack. I'm worried about being a burden there despite their insistence otherwise. I'm worried about them, they all have their own issues they are dealing with right now. The last thing they need is this....is me sick, unable to take my share of the load, unable to help pick up their slack. I'm afraid of being a burden at work, but I'm grateful for them.

At work on Thursday, I also received questions from many about my doctors, where I was going to to get treatment, etc. This got me to thinking. Did I want a second opinion? Should I go to SLC to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for services? Or should I check out McKay Dee?

That night I also had a good friend from PT school offer for me to talk to her husband. He is currently doing his residency in plastic surgery and performs mastectomies, lumpectomies, and breast reconstructions after such surgeries. I called Shaun and discussed all the options with him in depth. It was great to have a second opinion from someone that I trust, someone who is really up to date in all the latest research. I learned some information I had not yet learned and I confirmed much of what my surgeon has already discussed with me. I cannot thank you Erin and Shaun enough for your help and knowledge. It means the world to me. It has helped tremendously. I feel more educated because of you and better able to make these decisions I am faced with.

So, after all of this on Thursday, needless to say I hit a state of being hugely OVERWHELMED. I had so many decisions to make.....Where do I get treatment? Do I want a second opinion? Where do I get the second opinion? How long will it take to get an appointment with another surgeon/oncologist? Will it delay treatment? How many opinions is too many opinions? Do I want a mastectomy or a lumpectomy? If I choose a mastectomy, who would be the plastic surgeon to reconstruct my breast? Would I want a second opinion on that? And it went on from there. It was so much going on in my brain. I have all these things I need to decide--big decisions, life altering decisions. Then, a wise woman (aka Mom), reminded me to take things one baby step at a time. Right now all I need to worry about is surgery. How do I feel about my current choice of surgeon? Excellent, especially after talking to Shaun. Lumpectomy versus mastectomy? Still need the mammogram and MRI test results to decide this. And well, I can start looking into plastic surgeons should those be needed. As for the rest of the decisions, I still have lots of time and I will have the guidance of the spirit when the time for these decisions comes. Baby steps.

This morning, as I was playing with my babies, tears came to my eyes again. How are my babies going to handle all of this? Will they recognize their mamma without hair? Will they tolerate all the babysitters, transitions, and time away from us? Will I be able to play with them without setting off a bout of lymphadema? Will I be able to snuggle them after my surgery, or will it hurt too bad? Will I be able to snuggle them with my chemo port in? Will they feel deprived of my love as I deal with everything from sickness, to fatigue, to times of depression? Will I be a good Mom through all of this? And then there is Trav....he will have a big burden: caring for the kids, caring for me, school, testing with fire departments, not to mention all the emotional stress. Can he handle it all without breaking? Can I be enough of a support system for him? I don't know the answers to these questions. The unknown breaks my heart a little. What I do know is I have a Savior and Heavenly Father who love me. They love my family. They make up the difference in my life and they will watch over us. It will be okay.