Reality Now

Today hasn't been the best of days. My mind has been going over all that I found out yesterday. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and when I'm alone my emotions overcome me. This is all becoming my reality now. Previously it has been in the near future. I've been doing research and waiting on test results and now it is here....

I have a tenative surgery date scheduled. It is in 2 weeks and 5 days.

I have a MASTECTOMY in 2 weeks and 5 days.

In 2 weeks and 5 days I am losing my breast. A part of me. A part of my femininity.

Sure, I get a reconstructed breast, basically any size I choose (within reason, not that I really want much augmentation) and an implant on the opposite side for symmetry, but right now, I'm mourning the fact that it won't be "me". I won't be able to feel it. It has limited to no sensation. In some of the literature I have read it is described as an amputation--which it is--and that many will have "phantom" sensations. But it will be cancer free, and it can save my life.

Then there is facing the actual surgery. I've never had surgery before aside from getting my wisdom teeth out. I'm scared to go under the knife, scared for the pain, scared for recovery. Scared to see the scar for the first time. To see myself for the first time. It's gonna be hard.

Then flip the coin...they biopsied a lymph node. What if it comes back positive? Chemo first. I haven't mentally wrapped my mind around chemo yet. I know nearly nothing about it (in my standards). I haven't even met with a medical oncologist yet. I'd still have a surgery to place the chemo port. I know very little about that as well. I thought I had at least another 4-6 weeks to research and prepare for this and now, well it may be happening soon. Ugh!

And now what do I do....wait.

Until next Tuesday.

Until I have my biospy results back.

Double Ugh!

The Hunstman Cancer Institute

Here is my post on facebook yesterday for all the details from my visit:

Today was great, but a very long day. We spent 5 hours at the Hunstman Cancer Institute. I love my Doc--Leigh Neumayer--she is FABULOUS. Over my 5 hours I agreed to participate in 2 clinical trials, talked with genetic counseling about the possiblity of a genetic component to my cancer, had 2 breast exams, had a lymph node biopsy under ultrasound performed (the swollen one from the MRI), decided to in fact do the mastectomy, scheduled a visit with the plastic surgeon Jay Agarwal for the 23rd to discuss reconstruction, tenatively scheduled surgery for the 30th of January, and officially won the award for the most vials of blood drawn at one time for testing. What a day!So, now for the plan.

Once again I get to wait on a test result. The results from the lymph node biopsy should be back by early next week. If it is positive for cancer cells that means that the cancer is more likely to have spread or be on it's way to spreading to other parts of my body. In that case, Leigh thinks it would be better to do chemo first rather than surgery. Her rational being that because I have chosen to do a mastectomy, I would have to wait a minimum of 4 weeks before starting chemo (this is to allow for adequate healing before the chemo would start killing the cells trying to heal the tissue) and that is without any complications should they arise. Leigh feels that the time for mastectomy healing should a lymph node be positive would be too much time for the cancer to find another place in my body to "set up house" so to speak. If the biopsy comes back negative we will proceed with surgery first on the 30th and then have chemo to follow about a month later. Radiation will all depend on the presence of cancer in the lymph nodes.

We also decided to get some genetic testing done to determine if I have the BRCA 1 or 2 genes that contributed to my breast cancer. This highly affects the probability of having a separate breast cancer in my opposite breast in the future. It will also have implications for my sister and daughter. Those results should be back in 2 weeks. Long day, but good.

I had a friend leave me this quote in an email yesterday..... it shed a little bit of light:

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." --Elder Richard G. Scott

MRI

I had my MRI today. It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I only got a little anxious when I felt them start putting me into the tube and my arms rubbed against the side of it. Thank goodness for Vallium or I think I would have freaked. Overall it lasted about 30 minutes. I got a CD of all the images to take to the surgeon at the Huntsman Cancer Institute next week. I've been looking them over.... the tumor is soooo evident. It is crazy to see. I can't wait to get it out of me!

2012: My Year of Beautiful Heartbreak

This year, the "new year" held so much more meaning for me. As the clock hit midnight and I kissed my sweetheart, it was bitter sweet to say to goodbye to 2011. 2012 holds so much for me, some of which I'm afraid to face. As tears began streaming down my cheeks, it took me a minute to realize how much I had pushed off dealing with my disease. I'd mentally compartmentalized it into next year....next year I would have surgery, next year I'd have chemo, next year I'd lose my hair, next year this was all going to happen. And now, it's next year. It is here. I think partly, I had to push things off in order to enjoy the holidays, but boy it hit me hard on New Years. This year is going to be tough. Then, we found this song.....I hope I enjoy the view.......

Christmas

Christmas this year was kind of a bust for us....both of our kids were sick. I think total in 24 hours we had 7 throw-ups! However, the kids got spoiled rotten, and so did we. It was great seeing family, but it was a LONG day. Because of this we did not get ONE SINGLE PICTURE!!!! What is wrong with us? I guess some adorable pics of my family with Santa will have to do....enjoy!

Mammogram

I had my mammogram done on the 29th. The results look FABULOUS! The only cancerous calcifications they could see were in the lump! Now onto the MRI which is scheduled for the 5th. Here's to hoping the results for that come back just as good!

The evening of the 29th I also had a non-hormonal IUD placed for birth control. IT WAS TERRIBLE! My cervix and uterus were not happy about the invasion and I had significant cramps. So bad to the point where I nearly lost the contents of my stomach. It was an awful night. Poor Trav got a little overwhelmed because of the "preview of what's to come". I feel so bad. I wish it didn't have to be this way....


Last night I had such a great opportunity to talk/email with two amazing girls who have been where I am right now. One was 26 at the time of her diagnosis and the other was 32. It was unbelieveably helpful. I am so grateful to these women who have been willing to share their experiences with me. I've learned so much.

My Support System

I am so grateful for my family, my friends, and all those who surround me with their love. On Christmas, I was reminded how lucky I am. In 1997, my uncle, aunt, and one cousin were killed in a tragic car accident. Because of this, my 2 surviving cousins were placed in the care of my aunt's brother and his wife. They were then "adopted" into our family by default. As I told Danny about my diagnosis he simply stated, "BreeAnn, you have an amazing support system here. There isn't a day go by that I don't consider myself lucky to have been adopted into this family. They are amazing and they are here for you and will support you every step of the way." As tears pooled in his eyes, the Spirit filled my being. I am truly blessed. Not only am I blessed with this amazing family both immediate and extended, but also with my husband's family, my work family, my ward family, and my dear friends. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your offers of support, for your hugs, and for being there for me. I love you all.