Reality Now

Today hasn't been the best of days. My mind has been going over all that I found out yesterday. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and when I'm alone my emotions overcome me. This is all becoming my reality now. Previously it has been in the near future. I've been doing research and waiting on test results and now it is here....

I have a tenative surgery date scheduled. It is in 2 weeks and 5 days.

I have a MASTECTOMY in 2 weeks and 5 days.

In 2 weeks and 5 days I am losing my breast. A part of me. A part of my femininity.

Sure, I get a reconstructed breast, basically any size I choose (within reason, not that I really want much augmentation) and an implant on the opposite side for symmetry, but right now, I'm mourning the fact that it won't be "me". I won't be able to feel it. It has limited to no sensation. In some of the literature I have read it is described as an amputation--which it is--and that many will have "phantom" sensations. But it will be cancer free, and it can save my life.

Then there is facing the actual surgery. I've never had surgery before aside from getting my wisdom teeth out. I'm scared to go under the knife, scared for the pain, scared for recovery. Scared to see the scar for the first time. To see myself for the first time. It's gonna be hard.

Then flip the coin...they biopsied a lymph node. What if it comes back positive? Chemo first. I haven't mentally wrapped my mind around chemo yet. I know nearly nothing about it (in my standards). I haven't even met with a medical oncologist yet. I'd still have a surgery to place the chemo port. I know very little about that as well. I thought I had at least another 4-6 weeks to research and prepare for this and now, well it may be happening soon. Ugh!

And now what do I do....wait.

Until next Tuesday.

Until I have my biospy results back.

Double Ugh!