LOVE THESE TWO!

This made me laugh so much yesterday. I love these two!

Chemo Treatment #1

Chemo SUCKS. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have had to endure. The details aren't pretty. I'm brutally honest. It wasn't one of my finer moments. Proceed if you care to. Otherwise skip to the last paragraph. I'm more of my positive self again there.

Day 1, March 1st: Chemo Day
It was surreal sitting in the recliner watching the "fruit punch" (also appropriately known as the Red Devil) drip into the IV that led to my port and into my body. I didn't feel any different yet. I watched several patients come in, several of which just looked at me and shook their heads. I now know why..... it hit me about 5 hours later. I was so sick. Nauseated to the point of not daring to move without the puke bucket right next to me. It was awful. Thank goodness for a night of sleep. It saved me. I know it was everyone's prayers that made that possible. THANK YOU.

Day 2:
I awoke feeling nauseated, but better. I didn't feel like I was going to puke at any moment. I got kinda ready in order to make it into the cancer center for my Neulasta shot. This shot is to help replenish my white blood cell count. Got home. Laid on the couch. So sick. My Mom and Dad came back up. Thank goodness. I needed them. Trav needed them. They'd be here all weekend. It was so nice to have my Mommy.

Day 3:
Pain. Think flu x10. Achy. I could feel every bone in my body--my shoulder blades, my ribs, my back, arms, legs, skull, EVERYTHING! It was from the shot. It was awful. Nothing helped, except for a foot rub. It took my mind off the pain for a moment. Plus I was still nauseated.

Day 4:
Still achy, still somewhat nauseated, plus now I was getting intestinal cramping. GREAT. We're starting out the other end today. YAY. This will be fun....NOT. And it wasn't. Trust me, it wasn't pretty. Mom and Dad left today. Ate some bread and apples--and actually Rumbi's. It sounded good, and shockingly sat well on my stomach. I was sooo exhausted, I could barely move. I had no strength. Today's word was exhausted. Dad and Trav gave me a blessing. It helped heal my soul.

Day 5:
Today I was disappointed. I'd heard I'd feel better by Day 5. I didn't. Not enough anyway. Still nauseated, still had a fire in my rectum, still had severe intestinal cramping, still didn't want to eat ANYTHING, but so weak that I knew I needed food, sustenance. It is awful to make yourself eat when nothing sounds good. I was also disappointed I hadn't handled chemo better. I am young. I should be able to do better than this right? Today I was disappointed and a little down.

Day 6:
Today progressively got better. I woke feeling nauseous and exhausted again, but it lessened as the day went on. I actually felt like eating something again--Subway. It was a busy day though with a trip to the plastic surgeon at Huntsman, a follow-up with my surgeon in Logan about my chemo port, and a dinner with a women's cancer support group in town. Support is therapeutic. Sleep was too.

Day 7: Today
I feel almost back to myself today. Still dealing with bowel issues and occasionally small bouts of nausea, but otherwise I feel myself.

So, 7 days to feel normal again. Then 7 days later another treatment. That was the hardest part of all of this. Knowing I had to do it again. Not just once, but 7 MORE TIMES. How am I going to do this 7 more times? I'm going to do it one treatment at a time, and hope that what everyone says is correct--that the first treatment is the hardest. I'm going to endure, cause that's all I can do. I'm going to rely on the "angels 'round about me, to bear me up" both heavenly and here on earth. My angels. You are amazing. I couldn't do this without you.

Today

Today has been a good day. We travelled down to the Hunstman Cancer Institute for my first follow-up appointment. The grade A+! The doc said things are healing as well as could be expected and I was able to get one of those pesky drains out. The other will hopefully come out next week :D. I continue to be exhausted, but actually put make-up on today--so chalk one up for feeling somewhat better.

This week is going to be my test. This week is when I have to start accepting help that isn't Trav or my Mom. Ugh, what a hit on the pride I have left. Just one more thing to learn from cancer....humility. So, I guess I might as well eat my humble pie. Thank you everyone who has helped, who is going to help, and who has sent your love in numerous ways. The food has been amazing, the flowers smell divine (my home looks like a floral shop and I LOVE it), for your comments on the blog and on facebook, the texts, the prayers, the visits, and the babysitting. I COULD NOT do this without you all. YOU are my STRENGTH!

The Wig Experience

I honestly had a blast trying on wigs. I was able to get a cute one for free from the American Cancer Society and my friend Amy brought over her adorable wig for me to wear should I want to change it up. Those were my favorites. The rest of them, well see for yourself!

Surgery: Check!

Well, it's done. I had surgery yesterday. I am for the time being cancer free. It is a good feeling. Overall, the pain hasn't been too bad. I am just EXTEMELY tired and have these very uncomfortable, in the way, drains. I have very limited feeling over my right breast, which is very weird. I am bruised and have a crazy awesome incision that is healing well so far. The doctors reported that everything went better than expected. The surgery took about 3 1/2 hours. My tumor appeared to be close to 3 cm large. As far as my surgeon could tell she was able to get cancer free margins around the tumor, but the final pathology testing will determine that for sure. They took 6 lymph nodes: 4 of which were negative for cancer, and the 2 others were sent off for more indepth pathology testing. These tumor and lymph node pathology results should be back in approximately 1 week and will determine whether I need radiation treatment or not. Here's to crossing our fingers that I don't need radiation.

I am now home and boy does it feel good. The kids did great with Grandma Janet and seemed to understand that Mommy didn't feel good. They snuggled me very gently. Oh how I love those two! My Mom is staying with me for the week to help. Oh, how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her in my life. I'm such a lucky girl. I have so much love and support from family, friends, church, and my sweet husband. With a support system like this why shouldn't I have cancer. I have been blessed.

My breast doesn't look as bad as I had expected. They were able to save my nipple (sorry if this is too explicit), but it made the emotional shock a lot easier to look down and see it there. The drains make it look bumpy and the skin is sagging a little due to not having breast tissue there. I have an expander in the breast that will slowly stretch my pec muscle to allow for the implant to be placed in several months. It is definitely smaller than my other breast at the moment, but looks much better than I had expected. The worst part right now is the drains. Boy are they a pain in the hinny!

Here's some pics from yesterday and today:

Waiting before Surgery

Dr. Neumayer prepping for my Radioactive Injection

Saying "Aaahh" for the AnesthesiologistReady to Go!

Just Made it to My Room after Surgery

The View from my Room

Earlier this Morning

Ready to Go Home

A Motto to Live By

Empowered

Today I am empowered! I finally have a fairly set in stone treatment plan. I know what to expect for at least the next 6 months....and it feels GREAT! After having the last 4 weeks be an unknown I have such relief of finally knowing what is going to happen.

First, around 11:00 this morning I received the call that my lymph node biopsy results were back and that they were NEGATIVE! Best news I've received all year (so far anyway). This meant that as far as we know the cancer hasn't spread. There is still a chance of finding positive lymph nodes in the surgery, but for now I am going to relish in the knowledge that I don't have cancer circulating around my body.

At 11:45 I met with the medical oncologist Dr. Ali Ben-Jacob here in Logan. I was actually really impressed with him. I'd heard some people say that he wasn't really warm, but I found that he was very personable and I enjoyed talking with him. He answered all of my page of questions with honesty and compassion. I look forward to working with him.

So, here is my treatment plan:

January 23rd: Meet with plastic surgery
January 30th: Surgery Day with overnight stay in hospital
Approx. 3 weeks later: Surgery to insert the chemo port
Beginning of March: Start Chemo
Hair loss expected 2 weeks after my 1st chemo treatment
Chemo every two weeks for the next 16 weeks
June: Done with Chemo!

That is what we know right now. There will be 2 more surgeries for my breast reconstruction sometime after June and radiation will depend on finding postive lymph nodes during surgery.

I love being able to make a plan and prepare for things. There is no more unknown. Here's to kicking cancer's butt! Bring it on!

Overwhelmed by LOVE.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed by reality. Today, I have been overwhelmed by LOVE.

At work today a co-worker made a comment that hit me profoundly. It was an amazing compliment. She looked at me and said, "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but if I could've chosen someone to do this, it would be you. Your strength was evident even before you had to face all of this. I know you can do this." It meant the world to me to hear her opinion, that she had such faith in me.

Next, as I was finishing up some paperwork last minute before leaving work a few heads poked into my office. One of my sweet 4 year old patients and his family were there holding a cute little gift. In it was a pillow case, all girly and such (the material hand picked by my patient). His mom explained that whenever she is in the hospital the thing that helps her feel the most at home is her pillow, so they'd made me a pillow case to take along my ride. Attached was this sweet little poem:

"we hope this pillowcase we've made for you

helps on the journey you'll go through

your strength and courage will be tried

please always know we're on your side

we love you lots, wish you the best

so snuggle down and get some rest."

Next, I get home and find THREE beautiful vases of flowers. People who had thought of me and wanted to cheer me up. It worked, just so you know.

Finally, I spent the evening with a good friend. She had driven up from Kaysville simply to visit with me. We talked. It was nice, especially since Trav is gone to a scouting event tonight.

This is just today. Weeks ago I received a sweet package in the mail with a few of my friend's "favorite things" to cheer me up. That made my day. We've had countless dinners, babysitters, and an outpouring of love and support. Your comments on facebook and the blog buoy me up. You've opened my eyes. You've made me better. You've been such examples to me of service. I want to be more like all of you. I want to look for these little ways to make others lives better. I didn't before. I will now.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It is so full of love....from all of you.